Friendship, its benefits to success

Do we ever ponder how friend can influence our life and how we can influence our friend to improve our life? This morning while having a quick breakfast with my wife, I met two of my ex-High School schoolmates at a Mamak Restaurant. We had not met for more than 15 to 20 years. They were ex professional footballers, Subadron Aziz and Shaari. Subadron used to work with Petronas and then played for Federal Territory in the Semi-Pro league and represented Malaysia. He then married the pretty local singer, Salwa Abdul Rahman. Shaari in the other hand, was a Negeri Sembilan Semi-Pro player. We exhanged pleasantries and asked about each other before promising to contact each other and parted.

As a social human being, this situation is normal for everyone. Making friend, losing contact and meeting again are a cycle that we go in live. Some would just make friends to be social and regard it as a phase in one life, but those who are successful would make use of friendship to enhance their academic, career and business.

How can we emulate those who are successful by utilising their friendship connection? Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: "A good friend and a bad friend are like a perfume-seller and a blacksmith: The perfume-seller might give you some perfume as a gift, or you might buy some from him, or at least you might smell its fragrance. As for the blacksmith, he might singe your clothes, and at the very least you will breathe in the fumes of the furnace." (Sahih Al-Bukhari, Volume 3, Hadith 314).

In life we will meet beneficial friends as well as friends who will harm us. As Prophet Muhammad had mentioned in his hadith, a beneficial and a harmful friend can be physically identified. The result of the friendship can also be physically identified. So we need to gauge benefits that we can derive from the friendship and allocate a lot more time with those who will be able to provide us with greater benefits. The hadith did not mention of severing friendship from the bad friends as certain benefit can be derived from having a cordial relation with them. Taking the example of the blacksmith, the blacksmith will be able to mold metals for us however we cannot be around them as it will be harmful to us in the long run.

If we look at the renowned Chinese philosopher Confucius guide to friendship, in one of his sayings he said: “There are three friends that do good, and three friends that do harm. The friends that do good are a straight friend, a sincere friend, and a friend who has heard much. The friends that do harm are a smooth friend, a fawning friend, and a friend with a glib tongue.” In his saying, Confucius described the traits of good and bad friends. Of course the traits are not restricted to these three sets, however the fundamental of friendship is to be truthful, sincere and able to safeguard the friend's personal matters. Friendship which we should be wary of will be friends who are untruthful, selfish or manipulative and tend to cheat us.

How then to be successful via deriving benefits from friendship? Firstly we need to identify those who we connect with. These people are not our relatives but those we will connect with in a classroom or an office or a business transaction. Then we identify what we can offer to others and what we need from others. The relationship should not only be one way, both parties to the relationship will derive benefit from each other. The chart below shows this principle and serves as a guide in our friendship.

We also need to manage our expectation. Not everyone can be a good friend. As long as we are comfortable with the friend or friends and we are able to evaluate the benefit we derive from them, the friendship would be good. However we should not shun anybody who wants to befriend us. However we can allocate our friendship according to the level that fit the relationship.

In one of William Shakespeare's quotes, he described a continuation of a long lasting friendship. He said: “A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.” A good friend will be able to point to you your strength and weakness in a transparent and truthful manner and help you progress and gain success.

After SPM - what's next?

Once I brought my family to meet up close with Prof Dr Muhaya, an ophthalmologist by profession and an inspirational speaker by passion. Two of my children were with me together with my wife. During the meeting Prof Dr Muhaya asked my children what they were going to be, my son responded "Accountant" and my daughter "Lecturer". Prof Dr Muhaya then said, "Children, why don't you want to become a doctor? Be a doctor, it is a good profession".

The question of "What you want to be?" is very common to children. Most parents in Malaysia would stress on Science and would dream for their children to become an engineer or a doctor. They will also derive great satisfaction if their children are in this stream. The sense of pride will be expanded if their children are in boarding school and eventually will go abroad to further their study.

My experience on boarding school was not so rosy and nice. I had my eldest son in Sekolah Tunku Abdul Rahman, STAR Ipoh. After a year, I took him out and put him in a normal school after I noticed that the school was not providing learning and education but stressing and pressing on scoring As in exams. As a result, my son was still happy with this decision and he also managed to do well in his studies even though he was in a normal school. He had straight As in PMR and 5 As in SPM. He is now pursuing a law degree in UiTM.

My experience when I was small was more of an old school. When I was schooling I could not decide what I would want to be. Doctor and Engineer are the common answers I would give when I was asked. This was more following the concept that "anything Science is good".

However when I was in High School, I slowly had an ambition to become a businessman and a politician. The reason for this was because I believe in one of the sayings of Prophet Muhammad pbuh, which means: "9 out of 10 live provisions are from business". While my passion with politics started when I was in standard four. It came after one of my neighbours, Arwah Makcik Sawiyah came over to my house to campaign for PEKEMAS (Parti Keadilan Masyarakat) candidate, Cikgu Ishak Surin. The party was then led by the late Tan Sri Dr Tan Chee Khoon.

I eventually went to further my study in Engineering, then Mathematics, then Business and eventually HR. I am now neither in Engineering nor Mathematics, partly Business and remotely HR. Although I did not fully realised my ambition, the experience taught me that ambition and vocation may eventually differ. I still enjoy the work that I do and earn considerably sufficient to have a fulfilling life.

As parents, I think the fallacy that Science is better than others need to change. From my experience working in HR; Science, Arts, Vocational and any other denomination are equally good. Doctors and Engineers are not necessarily smarter than Lawyers and Accountants. The most important ingredient in success would be :
1. Interest in the subject and profession
2. Good attitude towards study and work
3. Willingness to study and work with others
4. Able to see through solutions rather than engrossed and became the problem
5. Balance between work and life; world and the hereafter

If you are in a cross road what to study or what you want to have as a profession, some pointers here to select your course and profession. Although it is not comprehensive but serves as a simple guidance

(Amzzah Naseehah Resources conduct "Tracking your Tertiary Education and Vocation" training and consultancy services. If you are interested, email to : amzzah_naseehah@ymail.com or call: +6012-5103364, terms and conditions are negotiable)

Capability analysis

The elements within human being and life can be from opposite ends. The Chinese has a principle of "yin and yang" that is the interaction of two energies, called "yin" (black) and "yang" (white). They are not completely black or white, just as things in life are not completely black or white, but they coexist with each other. While "yin" would be dark, passive, downward, cold, contracting, and weak, "yang" would be bright, active, upward, hot, expanding, and strong.

The shape of the yin and yang sections from the symbol, actually gives a sense of the continual movement of these two energies, yin to yang and yang to yin, causing a dynamic: just as things expand and contract, and temperature changes from hot to cold. Similarly human being and life are not always perfectly black or white, strong or weak, success or failure.

Perfection is only reserved for God. Knowing that we can be both be strong and weak, achieve success and experience failure does not mean a complete acceptance to it. It is mentioned in the holy Quran 13:11; “Truly, God does not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.” The onus to ensure that we are always strong and able to achieve success will depend on the effort we have put out for it.

In putting our effort for success, we first need to set our target. Then we need to analyse our capability to plan and organise our resources efficiently to achive the target. One of the methods to analyse this is via SWOT analysis.

The first step of SWOT analysis is to accept that we have all the four elements i.e. Strength, Weakness, Opportunity and Threat. Then we need to identify and list out the four elements within ourselves. SWOT can be understood as follows:

1. Strength: our ability to plan and organise our resources efficiently e.g. strong memory, wide connection and network
2. Weakness: our inability to plan and organise our resources efficiently e.g. forgetfulness, fear of speaking in public,
3. Opportunity: external factors that would help us to achieve our objective and goal e.g. connection and network with players from other college or industry, sufficient money, enough time 4. Threat: external factors that would hinder us from achieving our objective and goal e.g. stiff competition

From the SWOT list that we had come out with, we then lay out our plan to leverage on our Strengths and Opportunities while overcoming our Weaknesses and sizing our Threats. The plan can be short, mid or long term with measurable milestone and timeline. Every plans should still focus on achieving our eventual target.

As an example, a student wants to improve his result. He then needs to set a target what result he wants to achieve, say to achieve a GPA of 3.5. Then he needs to analyse his SWOT. Let say the analysis comes up with the following list

From the above, the students then can

• leverage on his ability to analyse and his strong command of language during his classes, course work and exams


• be friendly with his smart friends and professional relative to learn and exchange information on his study and general knowledge


• improve on his discipline by not being sloppy consciously and unconsciously


• write down notes at all times to help strengthen his memory


• avoid lazy friends and distraction during study time but keep maintaining cordial relationship with them


• leverage on the family for emotional and financial support

Out of the six points mentioned above, the student can classify which will be something that he can achieve in a short, mid or long term. He should also review his plan and continuously ammend or adjust the plan accordingly in order to achieve the target.

(Amzzah Naseehah Resources conduct SWOT analysis consultancy services. If you are interested, email to : amzzah_naseehah@ymail.com or call: +6012-5103364, terms and conditions are negotiable)

Diminishing accountability

Most people would take great care of their wallets and handbags. However some would take these things unassumingly until it is lost and they have to scramble to secure their identity from fraud and theft. The common content of everyone's wallet or handbag would be identity card, driving license, credit or debit cards, currency notes, coins, medical insurance card and loyalty programme cards. It is also quite common to find ATM transaction slips, sales receipts, business/calling card in wallets and handbags. As handbags are much bigger than wallets, you may also find lipsticks, small mirror, comb, scissors, mobile phones, medicine, PC tablets and pens in it.

However have you ever been held accountable for something that is not directly connected to your personal matters? This accountability comes with most of the job we do. Postmen or post women are held accountable to deliver mails every day. Courier, trucker, bus driver, taxi driver and pilots are similar. There are also numerous other examples at the office. An office or factory worker is accountable to deliver results from their work.

Accountability does not stop from us when we delegate it to someone else. For example, we are supposed to deliver an envelope from the club secretary to the club president. However due to our tight schedule, we requested a friend to deliver it instead. The accountability does not stop after we passed the envelope to the friend and expect our friend would deliver it to the president. The degree of accountability would be reducing as it passes from the secretary to us and then to the friend. However the accountability would not be zerorised when it goes through the chain as every sender would still be accountable to the envelope. He or she must ensure that the envelop arrives with the club president eventually.

The diagram here shows the diminishing accountability as it passes from one to another but it would not zerorised even after the handing over..

Hence, the originator of the task and the receivers of the envelope (us and our friend) should do the following as to ensure everyone fulfill their accountability:

1. Pass on the envelope to someone who can be trusted to deliver and safeguard the envelope.



2. Follow up and determine the status of the delivery of the envelope until it ends up with the club president. This can be done via email and phone call.

Impression~Perception~Deception in interaction and communication

South Koreans take business mannerism seriously. Everyone over there is smartly dressed going to the office everyday. Even the kind of company car someone drives there shows certain status and they even dictate where the boss shall seat at the back of the car. So a South Korean company CEO should be driven on the latest model of Hyundai Equus (the 2012 model shown below) and be seated at the back right side of the car.

Indeed, first impression is important especially for business function. A classical business mannerism is to wear a smart formal suit at all times. A lot of other details are also given emphasis such as hairstyle, perfume, brand of wrist watch, tie, tie pin, pair of shoes and writing pen. A more modern business mannerism normally in IT industry has also evolved where informal attire are also acceptable. However the classical business mannerism would still be the default in an important business function.

Why are all these important? Human being socially interacts with each other in their activities from the time of Adam and Eve creation. Socia interaction may pose little challenge as compared to communication that has a lot more importance in life. Communication will take place when there are a need to influence, disseminate information and negotiate.

As time progresses, communication becomes a lot more easier but not less complex. Communication becomes a lot more easier with the advent of information technologies when communication can happen regardless of space and time. Internet either email, facebook, twitter or skype: telecommunication either mobile, fix, smart phones or videoconferencing are some examples of modern communication tools that human being currently uses.

With a lot more sophisticated communication tools, complexity of communication remains and will not be possible to be eliminated entirely. As communication is a two-way sending and receiving process, a lot more intangible factors and elements influence the communication activities success. These factors and elements include emotion, feelings, language, social background, past experience, prejudice, physical conditions and many others.

Both the sender and the receiver of communication would either be aware or unaware to some of these factors and elements. It would be a lot easier if they can be aware of the factors and elements to enhance communication effectiveness. However if they are unaware of these factors and elements, they would easily be sucked into them and form certain barriers to effective communication.

There will be several layers of communication results in an interaction: impression, perception and deception. Impression is important to gauge another party in communication and is a very basic defense mechanism for survival and can be used by both the sender and receiver of communication. This happen in a first instant of a meeting such as a smiling face, a frowning face, an imposing posture, a tender or rough mannerism and smart clothing. It will provide a signal to be at ease or alert. However it should not be the main criteria to form during communication.

Progressing into the layer will be perception. Perception is normally forms after several interaction and communication. Attributes such a firm person, a cooperative person, a difficult person are examples of perception. Perception can be true, and likewise false. It is important that perception is tested and validated.

Have you ever had the experience that the flight cabin crew were extremely friendly during the flight and by the time the plane landed and you bumped into one of them at the airport lanes, they would not even smile at you. So deception can only be discovered once the act is not consistent. This is the other layer of communication in an interaction that is deception. Deception is an attempt to potray something that is not the reality. It can be used to get the communication recipient to form a favourable impression and perception of the communication sender.

"Do not judge a book by its cover" and "do not jump into conclusion" are most famous communication quotes. Continuous testing and validating will help in getting a smooth and efficient communication process with others especially when there is a need to repeat the communication and maintain a harmonious relationship.