Do we ever ponder how friend can influence our life and how we can influence our friend to improve our life? This morning while having a quick breakfast with my wife, I met two of my ex-High School schoolmates at a Mamak Restaurant. We had not met for more than 15 to 20 years. They were ex professional footballers, Subadron Aziz and Shaari. Subadron used to work with Petronas and then played for Federal Territory in the Semi-Pro league and represented Malaysia. He then married the pretty local singer, Salwa Abdul Rahman. Shaari in the other hand, was a Negeri Sembilan Semi-Pro player. We exhanged pleasantries and asked about each other before promising to contact each other and parted.
As a social human being, this situation is normal for everyone. Making friend, losing contact and meeting again are a cycle that we go in live. Some would just make friends to be social and regard it as a phase in one life, but those who are successful would make use of friendship to enhance their academic, career and business.
How can we emulate those who are successful by utilising their friendship connection? Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: "A good friend and a bad friend are like a perfume-seller and a blacksmith: The perfume-seller might give you some perfume as a gift, or you might buy some from him, or at least you might smell its fragrance. As for the blacksmith, he might singe your clothes, and at the very least you will breathe in the fumes of the furnace." (Sahih Al-Bukhari, Volume 3, Hadith 314).
In life we will meet beneficial friends as well as friends who will harm us. As Prophet Muhammad had mentioned in his hadith, a beneficial and a harmful friend can be physically identified. The result of the friendship can also be physically identified. So we need to gauge benefits that we can derive from the friendship and allocate a lot more time with those who will be able to provide us with greater benefits. The hadith did not mention of severing friendship from the bad friends as certain benefit can be derived from having a cordial relation with them. Taking the example of the blacksmith, the blacksmith will be able to mold metals for us however we cannot be around them as it will be harmful to us in the long run.
If we look at the renowned Chinese philosopher Confucius guide to friendship, in one of his sayings he said: “There are three friends that do good, and three friends that do harm. The friends that do good are a straight friend, a sincere friend, and a friend who has heard much. The friends that do harm are a smooth friend, a fawning friend, and a friend with a glib tongue.” In his saying, Confucius described the traits of good and bad friends. Of course the traits are not restricted to these three sets, however the fundamental of friendship is to be truthful, sincere and able to safeguard the friend's personal matters. Friendship which we should be wary of will be friends who are untruthful, selfish or manipulative and tend to cheat us.
How then to be successful via deriving benefits from friendship? Firstly we need to identify those who we connect with. These people are not our relatives but those we will connect with in a classroom or an office or a business transaction. Then we identify what we can offer to others and what we need from others. The relationship should not only be one way, both parties to the relationship will derive benefit from each other. The chart below shows this principle and serves as a guide in our friendship.
We also need to manage our expectation. Not everyone can be a good friend. As long as we are comfortable with the friend or friends and we are able to evaluate the benefit we derive from them, the friendship would be good. However we should not shun anybody who wants to befriend us. However we can allocate our friendship according to the level that fit the relationship.
In one of William Shakespeare's quotes, he described a continuation of a long lasting friendship. He said: “A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.” A good friend will be able to point to you your strength and weakness in a transparent and truthful manner and help you progress and gain success.
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